


Numb

by KSheenan10



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Denial of Feelings, F/M, Jealousy, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:41:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28993104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSheenan10/pseuds/KSheenan10
Summary: Elliot Stabler comes back into Olivia's life and they end up working undercover together. Exhausted and hungry once everyone's been arrested and taken back to the precinct the two stop at a restaurant still dressed up in their undercover clothes. Rafael Barba happens to pass by and sees them through the window and jumps to conclusions.Olivia has been pushing down her emotions at Rafael Barba being (kind of) back in her life. Now that Elliot's back and single everything she once wanted is in reach.But is it really that difficult of a choice?
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Elliot Stabler, Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! Still haven't reached that episode that shall not be named. I think I'm stalling. I also haven't seen the latest episode with Raul in it, but I did read the summary about it and spoiled it for myself. I had real concerns that it was going to mess up the Barson dream I have, reading the quick spoilery summery was far safer.   
> Anyways I apparently also love that Elliot is coming back as he keeps showing up in my fanfiction. Personally I like to think that Olivia and Elliot are completely platonic because it's nice having those man/woman relationships that are JUST friends. On the flip side if his character hadn't been married with kids I would have shipped them really hard. I kind of hint at that in this fic thus the Elliot/Olivia tag.   
> Enjoy!  
> Follow me on twitter @KatSheenan

Elliot Stabler had never expected to return to the NYPD. When he had retired all those years ago a part of him had protested at the thought. He had liked his job after all. Had enjoyed making the perps squirm and getting closure for the victims.   
It was the part that he hadn’t liked that had led to him leaving the force. The guilt about the ones who got away, that didn’t get what they deserved. The victims that didn’t get closure, the ones that slipped through the cracks. The innocents who suffered to the point that they became the ones implementing the pain. The repeating cycles of abuse and the feeling of treading in deep water, watching in horror as it rose above your head. He had settled into retirement for the first couple of years. He was able to relax for once.   
Still, there was a part of the job he would always miss.   
Olivia was the one consistent bright spot. Even when they had their arguments, even when the job led to them being separated, she had been the one shining light. Time didn’t change the pain he had at leaving her.   
People had asked him about his feelings towards Olivia before. He either refused to answer them, or the few occasions that he had, he lied. Truth was, he wasn’t 100% sure himself. Or maybe he just didn’t want to be honest. He was married after all and he loved Kathy and his children.   
He did know that leaving Olivia behind, it felt like he lost a part of himself. It took him years to adjust and feel somewhat normal. Still he thought of her every day. And every day he stopped himself from contacting her. From reaching out. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he did. He was going to focus on his family.   
Then in 2013 Kathy had been in a car accident. It took a week and a half with the doctors doing everything they could, but she had finally passed away.   
Elliot was numb. 

It was months later when he heard about what Olivia had gone through at the exact time he was grieving his wife.   
There was a spark of feeling under the numbness. The urge to find the psychopath who had taken and tortured Olivia. The idea that he may have done more than that drew Elliot out of his numbness long enough to throw up.   
He wanted to go to her, to see how she was doing, but he refrained. He buried himself back into his cocoon of numbness. Focused on raising his children. It was the beginning of 2016 when he discovered some information that made him conclude his wife’s accident and death weren’t accidental. It was 2020 when he finally caught up to the people responsible for her death, the people that killed her for revenge because of him. And shortly after that?  
Elliot rejoined the NYPD, but instead of SVU he was now investigating organized crime.   
And he still hadn’t contacted Olivia. 

*************************************************************************************

Olivia Benson was resolutely NOT thinking about Rafael Barba. She wasn’t thinking about how while communicating via phone and Skype things felt normal. Easy. Despite him being in any other place but NYC.   
Yet, now, with him being back and working as a defense attorney, she had found herself reverting back to calling him Barba and keeping him at arm’s length.   
Not that it was hard. What with their work schedules and her with Noah, it was near impossible to find time to see each other and very easy to come up with excuses.   
Besides, he was clearly still coming to terms with what had happened. What he had done. That was obvious to anyone who knew the slightest bit of psychology especially after watching him return to the courtroom. 

There was a sinking feeling in the gut though, that there was another reason she kept pushing him away. One she refused to listen to.   
Although late at night when she was caught in between sleep and awareness the vision of him with a beard kept slipping in and she had woken up more than once with his name on her lips and an ache in between her legs. She couldn’t even tell herself that this was a new development, because well, it had started happening before he had left her.   
In fact Olivia was so focused on NOT thinking of Rafael Barba she missed who was currently standing in her office one day in early 2021, weeks after last seeing the man who she WASN’T thinking of.   
Yet, something pulled her out of her thoughts and she came to an abrupt halt and stared at the man who was leaning against her desk. He may have the bottom half of his face covered by a mask, but she would know him anywhere.   
Their eyes met and Olivia let out a breath. There was of course a mix of emotions. Anger, nostalgia, joy, sadness.  
Still she would take that over the feelings that came up when she DIDN’T think about a certain former ADA.   
“Elliot,” she said, his name muffled as she was still wearing her mask.   
“Hey Liv,” he said straightening up from her desk.   
Olivia found herself moving forward and hugging Elliot Stabler tight. She had missed him. His arms came up and wrapped around her. They stood there just holding each other tightly. 

Amanda Rollins was relieved when she made it to her desk without spilling her coffee. She glanced up to see Carisi wander in. He may have been wearing a mask but the woman could tell he was frowning. He made his way over to her and opened his mouth before looking past her.   
A look of confusion came over his face. “Um who is that?”   
Amanda turned to see their boss hugging a man she’d never seen before. She frowned. Liv wasn’t letting go of the man, nor he her. They were just standing there, arms wrapped around clutching each other.  
Carisi moved closer. “You don’t think-“  
Amanda turned to look at him. “What?”   
Carisi shook his head not answering her question.  
“Son of a bitch,” Fin’s voice caught their attention. Fin was staring at the other two who had finally released each other. He strode past the detective and ADA towards Olivia’s office.   
“Fin,” the mystery man said as the two men did the manly form of hugging where they slapped each other on the back and let go within seconds.  
Amanda huffed and made her way over to the trio. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met,” she said holding out her hand to the mystery man. “I’m Amanda Rollins and you are?”  
Carisi covered a laugh behind her before coming over himself. Fin was the only one who noticed Olivia rolling her eyes.   
“Elliot Stabler,” mystery man said shaking Amanda’s hand with a grin. Amanda’s eyes widened for a brief second and then she composed herself.   
“Sonny Carisi.”   
“He’s our ADA. Although up until recently he was a detective on our squad,” Olivia said resigned to the other two butting in.   
“Nice to meet you,” Elliot said nodding at him. “It’s probably good you’re here. One of our cases is connected to one of yours.” 

*************************************************************************************

Three days later Olivia and Elliot collapsed into a booth. They were still wearing their undercover clothes, Elliot in a suit, and Olivia was in a strapless dress that clung to her body.  
She looked good in it too, Elliot couldn’t help but notice. He should have known she would be one to age gracefully. Hell she was more beautiful than a lot of twenty something year olds.   
It almost felt like old times. Except, he had gotten a vibe over the past few days that there was something off. Olivia seemed different. And yes she was older and had a son now, but there was something else. Something she hadn’t mentioned to him. 

There had been one point during the investigation when Carisi had started to bring up his mentor and Amanda shot him a look. When Elliot had turned to look at Olivia to see what that was all about, there was something about her body language and her facial expression that stopped him from asking.   
He had heard from Fin about Ed Tucker and about Cassidy. He hadn’t pressed for details, he knew Fin wouldn’t give them, but he had wondered out loud if there was anyone in Olivia’s life currently. Fin just shook his head and got back to his paperwork and that was the end of that. 

Tucked away in the booth the two began talking about everything they had missed about each other’s lives. Olivia looked surprised when Elliot finally told her about Kathy’s passing and how he had ended up back in the force.   
“El, I’m so sorry. I wished I had known.”  
“You were dealing with other things,” he said. Her brow furrowed.   
“It was in 2013,” he said softly. She glanced away her hands forming into fists before looking back.   
“I did wonder why you hadn’t shown up and killed him,” she said jokingly. Elliot knew it wasn’t really a joke and could see the pain the topic brought her.   
“So I was thinking that perhaps we can get Eli and Noah together,” he said changing the subject. “They aren’t that far apart in age.”   
Olivia opened her mouth to respond and then stopped, her eyes caught on something outside the restaurant window, the blood rushing from her face.


	2. Chapter 2

Rafael couldn’t be exactly sure when he had fallen for Olivia. He could say that he had been attracted to her from the moment they met. But the feelings? Those came later, he was pretty sure. 

He did have a professional reason to be angry at her for hiding her relationship with Ed Tucker. But the moment he had told her to get out and the door had closed behind her, was the moment that he realized part of his reaction was because of jealousy.   
This in turn had him wondering if the reason he didn’t like Cassidy was more than his abrasive personality. 

For a brief period of time Rafael had managed to throw himself into his work and make himself numb even while dealing with SVU and Olivia.   
He was pulled briefly from that numbness when he heard about Olivia taking Noah and going to Paris with Ed. 

He wondered if Ed were better dealing with children than he was. He had been getting better he thought somewhat desperately. It helped that Noah was now potty trained and could walk, but he still felt over his head the few times he had gone to Olivia’s apartment to discuss work and found the boy still awake. For some reason the toddler had seemed to like him, a few times trying to climb into his lap. Olivia laughed at the sight of Noah sitting in Rafael’s lap playing with his tie and suspenders while the man looked at her with panic on his face, his arms held out awkwardly to catch the boy in case he started to fall. 

Did Ed just sweep him up and let the boy climb all over him? He didn’t seem the type, but would Olivia really be dating him if he didn’t at least try with her son?   
The news of their break up came from Amanda a few months later. With it he began letting the numbness recede. 

Then he had asked her to do something he shouldn’t have. He went to her office later after she had refused to lie for him. He felt some relief when she said she wasn’t angry at him. Then his words got ahead of him and he asked her if she was disenchanted.   
He never got his answer, Dodds interrupting them before she could respond and Olivia made no indication that she was aware of what her ADA was really asking her. 

He let it lie, he would perhaps work up the courage to try again soon. Then Shelia Porter showed up and he tried to make himself go numb again, but couldn’t. Her pain was his now.   
Rafael ached to hold Olivia in his arms, to comfort her. Sheila couldn’t overturn the adoption, but if she tried any legal means to take Noah away, he would stop her. He pored over books to make sure there wasn’t anything that Shelia could do, to make sure there were no loopholes, even while reassuring Olivia. 

And then it all went to hell. He had heard that a boy had gone missing from the mall, but it wasn’t until Amanda had sent him a quick text that he had found out it was Noah.   
He didn’t know what to do so in vain he had offered coffee, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot. Finally he had an opportunity to do something to help. 

He decided to wait longer for everything to calm down after Noah’s kidnapping. He worried that someone else would come along if he waited too long, but perhaps a part of him was a coward looking for excuses not to tell Olivia how he felt. Something he knew couldn’t last as his ability to make himself stop feeling wasn’t working anymore. 

Someone did come along, but it wasn’t another man. And then-then there was a trial, his trial and he knew he couldn’t tell Olivia. He had been found not guilty and he ran.   
Every single day for the next three years he regretted it. Every single day he thought about her. Wished things had happened differently. They still kept touch. They still had their friendship, as precarious as Rafael thought of it as being. He ached to go back. To return to her. To end the what ifs.   
He ached to be numb.   
He pushed down the thought that perhaps she had met someone else every night as he lay in his lonely bed.   
*************************************************************************************

It wasn’t the same. He had returned to NYC finally and met up with Olivia. She had returned to calling him Barba even though weeks before she had called him Rafa on Skype. He tried not to show what he was feeling inside. He wasn’t sure he succeeded. A part of him had thought that they would have seen a lot more of each other. He of course knew she was busy he was too. But did they really only spend that time together because of their jobs? He had thought- 

It hadn’t mattered what he thought because now he was standing outside of a New York restaurant, feeling his heart break all over again because Olivia was inside. She was inside with another man. One who clearly would have gone after Noah’s kidnapper himself and anyone else who dared to hurt Olivia instead of stupidly offering coffee and giving her a hug that she clearly didn’t want while feeling inadequate. Another man that she wasn’t too busy to make time for. One whom she had dressed up for.   
He took in a sharp breath when Olivia’s head turned and her eyes caught his. Rafael turned away, his stomach dropping out from under him. She had seen him she had seen the look on his face. She had to know now. He walked away from the restaurant, tears forming behind his eyes. 

*************************************************************************************

“Liv?” Olivia turned away her eyes wide as she looked across the table at Elliot. He was looking at her concern in his blue eyes. This man, he had once meant everything to her. He had once gotten under her skin like no one else had. Irritating her and making her laugh in equal measure. She would have given him anything, done anything if he had just asked. 

Yet, from the moment she had seen him in her office a few days ago none of that had mattered. He had changed. She had changed.   
Elliot leaving her had felt like she was being ripped in two. But she had gone on. She had made a life for herself. 

Her eyes flickered back towards the window that had framed Rafael for the briefest of moments.   
Rafael had helped put her back together. The snarky lawyer that she couldn’t stand at first, the one who won all those cases for her, he had helped her heal. He hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it. Whenever something bad had happened, he had sat back and allowed her to work through it herself instead of jumping in like she was a damsel in distress. He had been offering his support instead of trying to solve things for her. And somehow that had helped more than anything else. Olivia was just realizing that now. And when he had left- she hadn’t been ripped in two. But her heart had gone with him leaving her empty. 

That was why she had been adamantly refusing to think about him she realized. Not that she had been successful. That’s why she had told herself she was too busy, that she couldn’t see him. Why she had been refusing to call him Rafael or Rafa. She had been afraid that he would leave her again, taking her heart away for good this time.   
She had made herself numb for protection. But now all those feelings were coming back. 

“I have to go” she stood up, Elliot staring at her. “I’ll call you later.”   
Olivia ran out of the restaurant. She needed to find him. She turned her head in the direction she thought he had been going.   
There.   
“Rafael,” she yelled. The man stopped and turned as she ducked around other New Yorkers who were glancing at them before going back to their own business. 

“Olivia,” Rafael said staring at her. It was because she’d used his first name, she realized. “What happened to your date?” There was a slight hesitation before he said the word date.   
Olivia shook her head. “He’s not- that’s Elliot. We were undercover on a case and well Amanda and Fin are taking care of the paperwork and the perps, so we decided to get some dinner because we were hungry.” 

Rafael was still staring at her as he tried to put her words together. “Elliot Stabler. Your old partner?”  
She nodded.   
“The one that you were in love with?” he said. Olivia winced. She had forgotten that she had confessed that to him one night. The only person she had ever openly admitted it to.   
“Yes, but I’m not.”  
“Not?”   
“Not in love with him. Not anymore,” Olivia confessed. She hoped Rafael was understanding what she was trying to tell him.   
“Oh well-“  
“I’m in love with someone else,” she blurted. “And I mean I knew that before even though I wouldn’t allow myself to think about it, but having dinner with Elliot tonight, it made me realize it and I can’t not-“ She cut off when Rafael began drawing away, taking a step back. He wasn’t meeting her eyes.   
“That’s nice. I mean that’s good Liv- you deserve someone in your life.”

He didn’t know she thought stupidly. How the hell did he not realize? She was pretty sure that Carisi and Amanda and Fin knew by various comments they had made. Hell even the looks Dodd had thrown at her in the weeks after Rafael had left indicated he at least suspected something. 

“Rafa shut up!” she said. His eyes shot back to hers in surprise. They widened even more when Liv grabbed a hold of him and pressed her lips to his.   
She pulled away reluctantly, Rafael still had his eyes closed. He opened them slowly.   
“Me?” he asked sounding bewildered and as if Olivia were going to tell him she were in love with someone else.   
“Yes,” then to be sure he didn’t misunderstand, “I am in love with you. And if you ever think about leaving me again, I will find some reason to arrest you.”   
Rafael broke into a grin.   
“Also if you wanted to have a beard, I wouldn’t be opposed,” she added. He laughed and kissed her both feeling every inch of it.


End file.
